The Last of the Spam?
Comments: 3
Hoo, boy. Now that I’ve installed Spam Assassin, I’m really going to miss things like this. One Mr. Rotime Williams writes to me (me, you understand, personally) with a very kind offer. Actually, it’s just the latest variation on the Nigerian e-mail scam but let’s take a closer look; I could get rich here.
Mr. Rotime Williams (or Showtime, as I’m sure he won’t mind me calling him) writes with an all-caps enthusiasm it’s hard to ignore. I was going to convert his letter to upper- and lowercase so as not to annoy you any more than necessary, but you can share the love with me.
MY NAME IS ROTIME WILLIAMS.I AM 65 YEARS OLD MAN.I WAS ONCE MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN.MY WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT SIX YEARS AGO.PRESENTLY, I AM IN NIGERIA RECEIVING TREATMENT RIGHT NOW.
Right; Nigeria. That’s certainly where I’d go for 6 years of grief counselling following the loss of my wife and children.
EVER SINCE, I HAVE BEEN HELPING THE ORPHANS IN THE ORPHANAGE/MOTHERLESS HOME.I HAVE DONATED SOME MONEY TO THE ORPHANS IN SUDAN,SOUTHAFRICA,CAMEROON,BRAZIL, BEFORE I BE CAME ILL,I SENT SOME MONEY{25MILLION DOLLARS}TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS IN A BOXES THROUGH ONE SECURITY COMPANY.THE MONEY IS PRESENTLY WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY.
PRESENTLY, I AM IN A HOSPITAL. MY DOCTORS TOLD ME THAT I HAVE CANCER OF THE LUNGS THAT I HAVE FEW MONTHS TO LIVE.
Oh, I get it. OK, lung cancer. You’re giving away $25m and the best medical care you can afford is in Nigeria? Who are you seeing, a shaman? And “motherless home” – that’s classic!
PLEASE,I BEG YOU IN THE NAME OF GOD TO HELP ME COLLECT{BOXES} FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY . AFTER COLLECTING THE MONEY{BOXES} FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY, YOU WILL NOW HELP ME TO TAKE THE MONEY{$25 MILLION}BOXES TO ONE ORPHANGE HOME IN LONDON OR ANY ORPHANAGE HOME CLOSE TO YOU.
I AM OFFERING YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM OF $25MILLION 5% IS FOR ANY EXPENSES INCURED BY YOU.
Showtime, for 15% of $25m I’ll kill my parents and become an orphan myself. Would that satisfy the requirements? I think so. But listen, you can keep the 5% for expenses. Your sentence construction is reward enough.
MAY THE GOOD GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.
REGARDS.
ROTIME WILLIAMS.
I bet you do. But not so fast there, Showtime. Turns out you have some competition (don’t worry; you’re still the front-runner). Just yesterday Jesse Chombo (who is acquainted with the Shift key) wrote to me personally:
How I sincerely wish that this message will not amaze you and more so for the assistance that I seek from you. My name is Mr. Jesse Chombo. I represent myself and Mr. Johnson Whitehead both black and white Zimbabweans.
I think I know what he means here. One is black and one is white, right? Or is he distinguishing himself and his friend from those nefarious shades-of-grey Zimbabweans?
Over the past three years the Zimbabwean Government policies have been very unfavourable to our business and to all farmers generally in Zimbabwe which eventually culminated in the present problem. Since last year massive life threatening hostilities…
…and blah blah blah for several large paragraphs. I will give him extra marks for topicality. Finally we get to the point:
We took to South Africa the sum of $15.5m in liquid cash being our life savings and proceeds from the sale of our farms with the two plants inclusive which I managed to deposit in a security company as CONTENT UNDISCLOSED BOXES.
Alright! More boxes of money! Tell me, how can I help?
We urgently require your assistance in receiving this amount and also be a lunch-pad for us in our quest for freedom…
Hang on there, Jesse – there’s no such thing as a free lunch-pad. What’s in it for me?
12% of the total fund
Twelve percent!? Of $15.5m? You gotta be kidding me. I got Showtime over here offering 15% of 25 million and all I gotta do is kill my parents. Come on, Jesse, you can do better than that. Work with me here.
I am making arrangements to acquire a safe number where we can be conversing without interruption since they have wire-tapped all our telephone lines. Please, let me have your telephone and fax numbers.
Uh… no, I don’t think so.
However, please find enclosed the telephone number of my close personal friend, Mr. Showtime Williams, who is familiar with predicaments such as yours and who will, I’m sure, be of great assistance.
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Posted to Oh, the Humanity • 2002.08.16 (Fri) • 14:56
Comments
Posted by Kurt 2002.08.02, 14:46
Jeremy, I was struck by the same incongruous paragraph about the suicides affecting the life expectancy rate. I blogged about it here: http://www.easterwood.org/hmmn/archives/japan/000096.html#000096
Your point about how fit seniors are is important. My in-laws, in their late 50’s, are incredibly active, be it with hiking, ping pong, folk dancing, etc. I’m always amazed at the hordes of seniors crowding the trains on the weekend with large backpacks, walking sticks, and the requisite floppy hats.
Posted by Mary Beth 2002.08.16, 23:38
Toooo funny. I like the mental image of each of them getting tons of the other’s spam mail.
Posted by jh 2002.08.18, 00:18
It’s weird: there’s a real resurgence of the Nigerian e-mail scam. I got another one shortly after posting these two. I forget what the motivating tragedy was in this one (I trashed it immediately; enough’s enough) but I have to say, I’ll give people full marks for exhausting the variations on a theme. Just amazing.
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